Snark Weighs In: Episode Nine
SNARK WEIGHS IN: Episode Nine
--Originally published July 24, 2000
I JUST LOVE ABC!
Hi friends! Well, it's been, what, two weeks since I was with you last? Try as I might to get this column out on a weekly basis, I was just so plum tired last week, I couldn't think of a thing to write. Jilly, the webmistress of this site, decided in her infinite wisdom, to give me a week off, and, I tell you, it did me a world of good. For the first time in years, I was truly relaxed. No work, no assignments, nothing was hanging over my head. With that much time on my hands, I did what any college kid on vacation would do–watched television!
Not that there was much to watch. I don't have cable, so I live in a three-channel town. (Cause, who would count PBS and FOX?) So, that's why I thank (insert unoffensive spiritual leader here) for ABC. Especially ABC Daytime! Now, you may think I'm doing a 180–and I am! So what! You people are always demanding proper motivation when a beloved character starts to act out of character. And who's more of a character than ol' Snarkie right? Well, here's my motivation.
Finally able to rest, and look at ABC Daytime–not watch it, mind you, but just look at it–I was able to see it for what it really was. Of course, I flipped around to other daytime lineups, and what did I see? Y&R–same old characters, same old family and romance issues, same old consistency. Bah! Even the cutting edge DAYS has been featuring the same front-burner characters for years. And Passions? They've been on a year, and they've still got the same cast. Shake it up, Reilly!
But with ABC, you don't know what the hel–what you're going to get. You have to watch every day just to make sure another character hasn't disappeared or morphed into somebody new. It's unpredictable. And I like it!
ABC is leading daytime into the 21'st century. Never has a network done so much with such an obviously slashed budget. Obviously, the group ABC cares about the most is 13-21 year olds. This shows ABC's moxy. They've obviously been targeting this group for years with no real success, yet they just keep on trying! And it's not as though ABC is actively trying to get rid of it's older viewers. They're more than welcome to come along for the ride–just sit back, shut up, and be prepared to go in the trunk, as soon as we can pickup some younger viewers.
And hey, when ABC does get some cash, they know how to spread it around. If a less-talented daytime president would have gotten the opportunity to hire Finola Hughes, they would've immediately put Anna Devane back on GH in one of those lame-o back from the dead stories. Only Angela Shapiro knew to get more bang for her buck by putting Hughes on AMC, thus enticing GH viewers over to another show. Ditto for bringing Thorsten Kaye to PC. Brilliant, huh? And,of course, we know what spreading Linda Dano throughout the entire lineup did for ratings.
Of course, with money going to hire the big stars in daytime like Dano, Hughes, and Kaye, you can't expect money to be spent on such things like wardrobe, lighting, and sets. But, even this works for them! The obvious cheapness of the sets gives ABC soaps a theatrical feel. It's like I'm watching an off-Broadway production instead of being sucked into a living, breathing town. This gives the shows a raw, theatrical intensity.
You know who makes the shows even more theatrical? The actors. Especially the new ones. Watching them get a handle on their characters, and trying to memorize 60 pages of dialogue a day is soap at it's best! I tell you there's so many obviously flubbed lines, it's like watching rehersal! Who wants to see a flawless production anyway?
I realize I've been general in my assessment of ABC daytime, so let me go show-by-show:
PC: Two words: Thorsten Kaye. Two more words: babe-a-licious! Even this heterosexual male gets a little tingly at Kaye's deep Irish brogue. Of course, PC has more going for it. For one, it's a spinoff of GH. Also, it's a half-hour.
AMC: Clearly the crown jewel of ABC daytime. That alone is enough. But, throw Finola Hughes in the mix, and you've got gold. (Even dead weight Michael Nader hasn't weighed her down.) And, what other soap has the courage to have two characters presumed dead at the same time? Love that plot!
OLTL: Innovation on a daily basis. Stories are constantly flowing, as a competent team of seasoned pros work hard to cut what is and isn't working. This means storytelling can be a little bumpy, but it all makes for better television. This show ain't afraid to break taboos, either. Other soaps might show women trying to balance a career or personal fulfillment with their romantic lives. Not OLTL. On OLTL, it's all about getting the man. Blair and Skye fight over Max. Roseanne will stop at nothing to get Christian. And, can we all officially hail the new queen of daytime, Lindsay? Some have mistaken Lindsay's post-modern ways as psychosis. But, Lindsay is simply a heroine for the 21'st century. Feminists have long espoused that women should stop being meek, learn to take the bull by the horns, and go after what they want. Lindsay does this. And what she wants is a man! Brillance!
GH: What can I say about ABC's oldest soap, that's taken home the Emmy for best show so often, they're starting to get embarassed? How do you describe a show that's 1/3 action-adventure....1/3 unlikely romance....and, uh....
Shapiro: Cut! Snarkie, I don't think you're trying hard enough.
Snark: For the love of God, Angela, stop it! My readers will never buy my overnight change. It's patently ridiculous.
Shapiro: They'll buy what I tell them to buy–or whether what you tell them to buy, Snarkie.
Snark: You'll never get away with this!
Shapiro: With what? I'm not forcing you to do anything. I merely suggested that if you and your family wanted to live a nice, full life, you'll give us a little promotion. It's not like I said we have men with guns watching your mother's every move as we speak.
Snark: You what?
Shapiro: Nothing, nothing. Ready to start again?
Snark (swallows hard): Okay.
Shapiro: Good. Roll ‘em!
Snark: And that brings me to GH! What can you say about a soap that's....
The preceding was dedicated to Felicia Minei Behr, who must have whiplash from the 180 she did between her interviews in TV Guide and Soap Opera Digest. I can only guess why she felt compelled to change her tune so suddenly. I also dedicate this column to Mad Megan McTavish, whose recent comments concerning OLTL's Lindsay make me think I should change her nickname to off-her-Meds Megan McTavish.
As always, you can reach me at snarkieposter@yahoo.com.
(Commentary, 9/25/2006): One of my favorites, and one of webmistress Jilly's, as well. After she received the column, she wrote:
Damn, damn, damn! I'm so in love with this column!
I'm reading along..getting a chuckle here and a laugh there..completely
oblivious as to where the thing was heading..figuring it to be just a
funny (well, not "just"..as always, your humor is terrific) column pointing
out what's wrong with ABC Daytime. Maybe I'm just slow this morning, or
maybe you're just that good, but when I got to the "Shapiro: Cut..." line and
"Snark's" response, it all became clear and all I could do was let out
a gleeful laugh and think to myself, "Damn, that's good stuff!"
Excellent, excellent, excellent! I wondered if you were going to touch
upon the FMB travesty in your column. You delivered in a big way. Thanks.
Do you think Spicy George ever got a kudo like that? I bet he didn't! (For the uninitiated, Spicy George was the other columnist at Magnificently Malonian. He wrote "Top Ten", a humorous countdown of the week that was in Llanview. We were both deeply insecure that Jilly liked the other one better, and constantly sought her reassurrance that we were number one in her heart. We also insulted each other frequently in our columns. Alas, most of Spicy's columns--and his barbs at me--are off-line now. So, I guess that means I win. HA! In your face, Spicy!)
(Last I heard from Spicy, he was actually finishing school and working. He may actually be a functioning alcoholic by now.)
The "FMB travesty" refers to an interview Felicia Minei Behr, best known for producing AMC and ATWT, gave to TV Guide, shortly after she was hired as Vice-President of ABC Daytime. She was pretty brutal to the ABC lineup across the board, but the one that stuck out was her assault on OLTL. Behr essentially said that despite the fact that critics were praising it and it was nominated for awards, she found it unwatchable. She believed it was dark and depressing, and didn't know why anyone would want to watch it. This was towards the end of the JFP era, and needless to say, many online posters agreed with her.
Apparently, her bosses did not. Within a few weeks, she gave an interview to Soap Opera Digest, where she basically had to retract everything she said to TV Guide. She tried to do a 180, without actually admitting to doing a 180. It was painful to read, and the hopes of any substantive changes happening at ABC were dashed.
I don't recall exactly what McTavish said about Lindsay, but believe it was something to the effect of Lindsay not being a crazy man-obsessed psycho. Which is ridiculous.