Snark Weighs In
Snark Weighs In: Episode Twenty-Two (The Lost Episode)
posted Monday, 18 December 2000
SNARK WEIGHS IN: Episode Twenty-Two
--Originally written around December 18, 2000
Where have I been, you ask? Sickville, U.S.A. Yes,
even Snark is not immune to the effects of catching a
cold, the flu, a protracted hangover, or whatever the
hell was wrong with me the past couple of weeks. I
want to say thank you to Greg from Llanview Online for
filling in for me last week. And I want to give a
special pat on the back to Spicy George, who swore he
couldn’t write his “Top Ten” column without me! See,
you could do it!
Now, on to this week’s column. Having been sick for
several days, I had more than enough time to look at
our wonderful world of soaps. What follows are some
random thoughts on all 11 of our daytime dramas over
the past couple of weeks.
AMC: Every once in a while, a glimmer of hope. I
haven’t been too impressed with Eden Riegel (Bianca),
but I admit, I was blown away during Bianca’s
confrontation scene with Sarah. For a moment, AMC
raised this storyline above the level of a bad
Afterschool Special. Sadly, scenes with that depth of
acting AND writing are too few. The writers and
actors are certainly capable of creating them. But,
too often AMC just takes the easy way out. They are
content to occasionally do stellar scenes for the Emmy
reel and turn out horrible hideous dreck the rest of
the time. AMC, stop being so damn lazy!
ATWT: Still the comeback show of the year, no doubt
about it. But, Holden/Lily, et all are really getting
on my nerves. Lily/Simon have become completely
repetitive, and I can’t tell you how distasteful I
find any friendship between Holden and Rose. That’s
just sick!
B&B: If Bradley Bell was determined to keep the saga
of Little Eric going, the least he could do was center
it around a compelling villain or something. Wait, he
did! Bell has finally breathed life into this yawner
by introducing Deacon Sharpe, an absolute scumbag
lowlife played to perfection by Sean Kanan. Sharpe is
the biological father of Little Eric, but he could
care less about the kid. He’d happily sign over his
flesh and blood to the Forresters—for the right price.
And the price keeps changing. He wants $100,000.
No, $200, 000. No, $1, 000, 000. No, he wants the
Forrester mansion! No, wait, he wants to have sex
with Amber! And Deacon does his double-dealing with
such style and flair, you can’t help but laugh as he
makes the Forresters and company squirm.
DAYS: Um, pass.
GH: Slightly more coherent these days, but still
coasting on its’ actors.
GL: Still boring!
OLTL: Man…got to pass again. If Gary Tomlin really
thinks that nothing should be changed here (and I
don’t necessarily believe him when he says that), he
can hit the road now. Enough damage has been done.
PASSIONS: Slightly improved thanks to the hiring of
Andrea Evans and Robin “She is on Passions, Isn’t
she?” Strasser. I still think Reilly isn’t even
trying most of the time.
PC: Poor PC. Started the year lousy, improved during
the middle of the year, then ends the year lousy.
Just as I feared, the shallow writing of B&E is in
full effect. PC has instantly become riddled with
soap clichés such as two characters presumed dead, bad
guys with foreign accents, and long-lost previously
unmentioned brothers. And the big cliffhangers? One
recent week-ender had a drunken Kevin (horribly
overacted by the usually wonderful Jon Lindstrom)
laying on the floor, wallowing in his grief over his
“dead” wife Eve. Unbeknownst to him, a fire has
started in his room. Was this a big, life-threatening
blaze? No. I could’ve put it out with a vase. It’s
telling that the best PC episode of B&E’s tenure so
far was the Thanksgiving show where Kevin attempts to
save Rachel. That one was mostly strung together of
old GH/PC clips from before B&E could work their
magic.
PRESIDENTAL ELECTION 2000: Best soap on right now!
The heroics! The villainy! The sheer unpredictability
of the day-to-day plot twists! PE2K is the most edge
of your seat soap on the air right now. In fact, it’s
so good all three networks carry it! My only
complaint is that you never know what time it’ll be
on. Sometimes, it’s on in the mornings, sometimes in
the afternoons…last week, they pre-empted The West
Wing for it! That’s how good this show is! Makes you
wonder why the other soaps don’t do more political
intrigue storylines.
Y&R: Painfully slow at times, this show still delivers
when it counts, such as the recent Jill/Billy scenes,
where Jill tries to comfort her hurting son, while
still continuing to bad mouth Billy’s true love, Mac.
Don’t you want to smack Jill? She just doesn’t get
it! And you’ve got to love the Victor/Nikki
confrontation. Any long-time Y&R fan could’ve wrote
the dialogue for that scene themselves…and it was
still entertaining!
MAIL CALL
Here’s a live one from a new reader named Patrick
Fornoff:
“Snarkie I visited your website for the first time
today.”
My section of Jilly's website, you mean.
“While I agree totally with your views on OLTL, I have
to write back and tell you that you are wrong, wrong,
wrong in your evaluation of James Harmon Brown and
Barbara Esensten.”
No, I don't think so.
“If I may state, in their defense, that I believe they
are two of the most talented writers daytime (and
primetime) has going for it. Were you not on the edge
of your seat the entire time they wrote for GL from
1997-2000?”
No. I was interested in a couple of their storylines
during their first year. After that, I went from
being uninterested to apalled at some of their stuff.
“Or let me put it another way: Has Claire Labine been
any better for GL than Brown and Esensten? B & E
never should have been let go from GL in the first
place. Claire Labine stinks!”
Since you've answered the question for yourself,
should I bother? B&E were let go because they
deserved to be. They were there for over 3 years, and
the ratings got worse, not better. I'm not blown away
by Claire Labine's work, but if B&E can have over 3
years, Labine certainly deserves at least a year to
get cranking.
“Her decision to fire Patti D'Arbanville--and worse
yet the firing of Saundra Santiago--were very bad
choices. Didn't Paul Rauch have any say so in this?
Someone should tell Ms. Labine to lose this 1960's
style of soap writing!!!”
With all the controversy surrounding GL's firings, I'm
not at all willing to say it was Labine who ordered
the firings. How often does the head writer wield
that much power, anyway? And don't forget the Addabo
fiasco. If the above firings were Labine, I applaud
her. In fact, those would be her only decisions at GL
I would wholeheartedly applaud.
“We are after all in the new millennium. Back to B &
E, I think you might be confusing their bold style of
writing with ABC's decisions. Yes, B/E wrote for
Loving and The City, but it was indeed ABC's decision
to cancel both shows.”
What? No! I thought B&E deliberately canceled both of
those shows, so they could be out of a job! Loving
and The City's ratings were lousy under B&E. Now you
can debate Loving, which was in the cellar for years.
But The City was all B&E, and the ratings were worse
than Loving. People weren't interested in B&E's
half-assed style of writing.
“Despite that,I am thrilled that they are now at the
helm of PC and I have become a new viewer of the show,
even though I swore it off when ABC axed The City.”
You should write and tell them they've picked up a new
viewer. Perhaps they’ll send you a toaster.
“I have been a fan of B & E for years and will
continue to do so. I feel they have a style of
writing that has been matched by no other--they build
strong storylines and match it with rich character
development.”
Examples, please!
“Without Brown and Esensten, there would have been no
Loving murders in 1995.”
Without a doubt, the stupidest decision they could've
made. Kill off the original cast, and alienate the
audience that could've followed you to The City. And
was having Ava leave with her tail between her legs
more of that character devlopment?
“No Annie Dutton (GL) transformation from nice nurse
to psycho.”
Another plot device saved by Cynthia Watros’
masterful,
go-for-broke performance. In fact, most of the cast
involved in this story was good.
“No Carmen Santos.”
Whose cartoon villainy was better suited for an NBC
soap.
“Holly would not have become the infamous Springfield
Stalker, which showed the great acting talent of
Maureen Garrett.”
For about a week, and at the expense of her character.
“There would have been no clone, which I felt was the
best performance ever given by Kim Zimmer.”
She was better in the Annie story. The clone saga was
basically a glorified evil twin story, and B&E have
distanced themselves from it, admitting that it wasn't
a GL type of story, even though they said it was years
earlier.
“Give B & E a break, Snarkie! They are good writers.”
Surely, this letter is designed to pull my leg. In
addition to being incompetent, (recycled) plot-driven
hacks, B&E are two-faced liars who say what's
convenient at the moment. You may love their style,
but I think it's shallow and plot-driven, and there
will be no love or respect from me to them ever, ever,
ever.
“Now, about OLTL. I will be glad when Gary Tomlin
replaces Jill Farren Phelps in 2001. I don't know
what it is about JFP. When she took over GL in
1991, what was once a good show turned into this big
joke. New characters took over and old history was
ignored, as well as core characters. These
characters, such as Tangie Hill and Jean Weatherell,
took over and we were like "who cares?".”
Wha? But I thought JFP was a revered genius at GL.
“Same thing with OLTL when she took over. Who is this
man Viki is with?”
Man? You mean the tree stump?
“Why do the Rappaports, not to mention Roseanne and
this Melanie, get all of the air time? I feel JFP has
not been using OLTL (or GL previously for that
matter)to it's full potential. I will be glad to see
her go.”
You and me both.
Ah, it’s great to be back! Of course, now I’ll be on
holiday hiatus. If you can’t stand going another week
without my brilliance, you know what to do. E-mail me
at snarkieposter@yahoo.com. It’ll be fun. In the
meantime, happy holidays to all of you Magnificently
Malonian Maniacs!
(Commentary, 7/23/2007): Now, why is this a lost episode? Easy. When I went to e-mail the column to Jilly, my ISP was down and stayed down for a while. By the time it was back up, Jilly had already updated the website, and it being the holiday season, would not be re-updated until the New Year. Jilly offered to run it then, but I felt that the column would be outdated, so I decided to trash it. But, later, I decided it would be a shame to deprive the world of such brillance, so I posted a message on the Magnificently Malonian Message Board (say that five times fast), and ofered to e-mail it to anyone who wanted it. I believe two people took me up on the offer. This column was never archived, and for the past several years, has only existed as a copy in my mailbox, which is why the paragraphs look the way they do.
Since most of you reading now weren't reading then, this column is, as NBC used to say, "new to you."
The illness, of course, was my ulcer, which was caused by the polyp that was slowly rotting away my small intestine. But, we didn't know about Mr. Polyp at the time.
Patrick Fornoff...WOW! He must be very pleased these days.
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