Snark Weighs In: Episode Sixteen
SNARK WEIGHS IN: Episode Sixteen
--Originally published October 15, 2000
MAIL CALL
This week, my column is devoted to you, the letter writer. I know I take a big risk letting you, the public, have total control over the content of this week's column. But, I'm a risk taker. So, let's delve into the ol' mailbag. Out first letter is from Ima Schmuck, Walla-Walla, Washington, who writes:
"Dear Snark,
You are soooooooo sexy! Even though I have never seen your face, I can feel the sexuality and sheer masculinity in the power of your written words. You are sexier than Ricky Martin, Enrique Igleasas, and Gerardo combined! What's a typical day like for someone so sexy and powerful as yourself? Are you spoken for? Please answer me, O sexy one!
Signed,
Ima Schmuck.
P.S. In case I forgot to say it, you are sexy!"
Dear Ima,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am well aware that I am sexy. However, it never hurts to hear my sexiness confirmed by others, as I am often too busy these days to stop and admire my own sexiness in front of the mirror.
To answer your questions--a day in my life is often very busy. Of course, I exercise daily to keep up my considerable physique.[1] I am very busy with graduate school most of the day, except on Fridays when I volunteer at the local elementary school, reading to our youth. (The children--they are our future.) My nights are consumed with studying, and other charitable work, such as consulting for the Green Party, teaming up with the WWF's Smackdown Your Vote campaign, and heading the advisory committee of the Lesbian Enlightenment Society of Bradford, Ohio. (You haven't heard of them yet--but just wait![2]) And, ever since I started writing this column, I've come in contact with many influential people from the industry. In fact, doing this column has made it impossible for me to enjoy a normal life.
Why, one night not too long ago, I was planning a romantic dinner with my girlfriend (Oh, yes, Ima, I am spoken for--but I'm sure you guessed that.[3]), but couldn't get things finalized, because people just kept interrupting me! Why, I remember it as though it were a flashback. I was sitting at home, on the telephone with my baby....
[4]
"Yes, I know I've been very busy. But tonight I'm gonna make it all up to you. We're going to have a nice evening out--I'm taking you to this exquisite restaurant on 63'rd--yeah, that one. Well, normally, you need reservations, but we can just walk in, cause I'm so sexy. Oh, of course they'll let you in. You're with me! Oh stop feeling inadequate! Everyone looks worse next to me! I--hang on, my call waiting is beeping. Well, it could be important! Wait just a sec, okay?
"Hello? Bob? Hey, Bobby, it's been a while! How's ABC treating you? What? You say you're thinking about what? Well, I say it's about time. ABC's treating you and Meg like crap! [5] Huh? Yeah. Right on. If you want to write stories about the mob and psychologically twisted anti-heroes, you should be allowed to! Lord knows ABC's only made it ten times worse. So, yeah, I'm behind you 100 percent. Well, I'm happy I calmed you down. Say hi to Meg for me. Byeeee! [6]
"Hey, still there? It was Bob. Oh, he was feeling a little jittery about a decision he wants to make. Okay, now back to us. I was thinking after dinner, we could take in a movie. Well, the flick I had in mind was a little gem called--hang on, it's my call waiting again. I'm sorry, it'll just be a few minutes....
"Hello? Hogan? Hey, Hogie! How are things going in that consulting position? P&G wants to what? Take it, take it! Yes! Well why are you apprehensive? A-huh...a-huh...oh, that's just stupid. So, you've never been a head writer before. We all gotta start somewhere. Was Harding LeMay a well-known, seasoned writer when he started AW? Was Michael Malone a long-time soap writer when he came to OLTL? You'll be just fine. Hogan, I'm ordering you! Take the job! It's your duty to save the world from Lethal Leah! You will? Good! Now, get some sleep--you've got a big job ahead of you. Okay, Hogan. Byeeeeee!
"Okay, I'm back. Oh, that was Hogan. I tell you, keep an eye on him--he's going places. Now, where were we? Yes, the movie! Well, you know they're re-releasing "The Exorcist.". Oh, I think it's a perfect date movie. Yes, I know you got squeamish when Georgie Phillips hit Rachel with the phone. All the more reason for me to protect you, my dear. Yes, I'll--aw, geez, it's the call waiting again. Hey, hey, calm down! It'll just take a minute.
"Hello? Woodsy! Hey man, long time, no hear. What's been up with you? Huh? Oh no, I'm not still upset about that whole boycott/luncheon deal last year.[7] You're entitled to your opinion. What? You want my opinion? On what? You want to what? No, you don't need a facelift! You look dang good for a man your age! No, no, I'm not saying you're old! I just hope you're not considering this because of pressure from the network, the sponsors, or viewer ridicule over your latest love scenes, that's all. Huh? Oh, you're not? Just doing it for yourself? Well, in that case, I know a guy that'll--hey, I've got someone on the other line, can I call you back? Great. Byeeee!
"Still there? You won't believe who that was. Woodsy! What a sucker. Man, am I gonna mess with his face. Oh, will you stop ranting and raving? I can't help it if I'm among the elite now. You don't have to be jealous,you know; I'll carry you with me to the top. What do you mean you're not jealous of me? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? I--uh, oh. Hang on a minute.
"Hello? Robin! How is the West Coast life treating you? No hot flashes, I hope! Heh, heh. What's up? How are things at Passions? You think you made a mistake? Why? Oh, that's silly! There are not too many OLTL'ers on there! It's just you and Andrea Evans. Hey, it's not like certain soaps don't raid certain other soaps talent pools, if you know what I mean. Huh? Yeah, you can use that quote in your interview. But, the next one'll cost you! Heh, heh. Take care, Robin. Byeeee!
"Okay, I'm ba--sweetie, calm down! I--what do you mean my work is coming between us? You hired me! Now I know you don't want to share me with the rest of the world, but, honestly, that's just not realistic! Hey, don't call me names. I am not an (expletive deleted) head, you don't have to be so vulgar! Alright, Jilly, we won't go out! And the next time I see Linda [8] , I'm not getting you her autograph! And another thing, if I---it's the phone again. Well goodbye to you, then!
"HELLO! Oh. Sorry, George, I just had an argument. What's up? Huh? You need me to ghostwrite your top ten list again? Why do you always wait till the last minute before you decide to call me? Yeah, I'll do it. I'll be home tonight, anyway..."
Such is a typical evening in the Snarkian household. Yes, wit, charm, and sex appeal have their advantages, but they have their disadvantages as well. Especially when you're trying to get your freak on. Anyway, Ima, thanks for writing, and remember--Things don't happen to you, you make things happen! [9]
Signed,
Snark.
P.S. You can't prove it's not true.
Now for two more letters, the authenticity of which won't be under dispute. A reader named Mary [10]writes,
"I read you on Magnificently Malonian, somehow writing about ATWT rather than OLTL. How divine! I have so totally given up on Nora and Bo that I channel surfed to ATWT, which I haven't seen since Pres. Kennedy died, (remember Cronkite in those horn rimmed glasses?) While awaiting Nora's return and Bo's facelift this summer, I came to adore As... Lily/Rose is wonderful. Holden is a bum. I just love Rose calling Lucinda Big Lou. Will Nancy Hughes and Tony Musante start dating? Just don't break a hip, Helen Wagner!! And Hunt Block hasn't been killed off yet. Better writing and better acting win my vote."
Mine too, mary. And Martha Byrne has truly made Rose and Lily into two seperate characters. Sometimes I think I'm watching twins.
Next, our eagle-eyed follower Stephen Wiss writes: [11]
"I enjoyed your article on Sheffer over on ATWT. He's not perfect by a long shot, but he's better than Laiman and any of the current crop of NBC and ABC writers.
In case you missed it, last weeks SOW reported that Lorraine Broderick has become a breakdown writer for Port Charles. E&B said they were delighted to work with her again. They were script writers on GL when she was HW there.
What does a half hour show need with all of those writers? And is PC really helped by hiring all these recycled hacks? Okay, maybe Broderick is better than the average hack, but judging from her work on ATWT, not by much."
Thanks for your kind words about the column. I did become aware that Broderick joined PC between the time I wrote the last column and this one. Seems like too many cooks in the kitchen to me. Bloom and Harris were doing a reasonably good job. Bringing Broderick on as a consultant, (a big) maybe, but Esensten and Brown. They must have photos of Shapiro in some sort of orgy. I can't think of any other reason why they're getting the 12:30 pm slot at ABC for the third time.
BTW, if you guys want a truly in-depth critique of ATWT, you should read Stephen's asessment. Just follow this link. http://www.messagecentral.net/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.cgi?forum=atwt&az=list&archive=yes Scroll until you see the header: Analysis--The World in Transition. Good thing Stephen's a friend of this column--I'd fear for my job, otherwise!
If you want to send me a letter, here's the address: snarkieposter@yahoo.com Surely, when an Internet Hall of Fame is establihed, this address will be the first recipient!(Commentary, 9/27/2000): When all else fails, write comedy.
[1]That was a lie, of course. My considerable physique is genetic. I only said that to spare Spicy George's feelings.
[2]Amazingly, that group never took off. It turned out that the name turned people off. People didn't know if it was trying to enlighten people about lesbians, or enlighten lesbians in general. It's a shame. Those were good people.
[3]You know, I never heard from Ima after this. I think she was crushed that I have a girlfriend.
[4]At this point, the screen was supposed to go all wavy, like on TV, but Jilly wouldn't pay for the special effects. She always was a cheapskate.
[5]As mentioned in the last episode, this was shortly after Bob Guza and Meg Bennett quit GH over corporate inteference. This was Guza's second tour of duty, and he would return for a third within two years. Meg Bennett kicked around the Bell soaps for a while, but I'm not sure what she's doing now.
[6] Byeeee! An irratating catchphrase Patty Lane would occasionally utter during on The Patty Duke Show. I miss that show. Why doesn't PAX rerun that?
[7] Re: boycott/luncheon. The extremely short version is that back in mid-1999, a group of OLTL fans, of which I was a part, launched a boycott of the program, in which we encouraged dissastisfed fans to tune out during May sweeps to express our dissatisfaction with the program. This had no effect on ratings, but it scared/pissed off some people at OLTL. The climax came at the annual fan luncheon. One of our members attended the luncheon, and left flyers with information about the boycott. One of them made their way to Woods, who went nuts, and got on the mic, saying something along the lines of "Are you trying to get this show cancelled? Is this what you want? For us to go away?" The answer, of course, was no, that was the whole point. But, as always, blame the viewers for not wanting to see a good show go to pot. This was during a period where it seemed like Woods was saying or doing something every other week that had folks pissed at him. So when Woods showed up on OLTL a year later with his face jacked up, you couldn't NOT make fun.
[8] As in Dano.
[9] I stole that line, but I can't remember from where. Maybe my drunk Uncle Kenny.
[10] This may be the first letter from the reader more popularly known as Mary 5252. She was a regular for a while. Wonder what happened to her?
[11] The first letter from SEW to see print. The link to his critique of ATWT is no longer operative.