The Unspoofable SOW
From April 2, 2001:
"...a word from my new sponsor, Soap Opera Weekly.
"Yes, Soap Opera Weekly-the magazine that treats primetime just like daytime! Yes, friends! If your favorite primetime show (or any primetime show, for that matter) has even the slightest bit of continuity from week to week, we cover it! ER, Gideon's Crossing, Judging Amy, Survivor, The Norm Show-we cover them all! Never mind that the producers of these shows would rather have their eyes gouged out with sharp, pointy sticks, than grant us one interview or visit to the set! It doesn't matter that we have to rely on "scoops" that are blatantly re-written from other sources, and blurry publicity photos that are clearly downloaded from the World Wide Web! We're covering them anyway! Forget the far more interesting and informative coverage of REAL soap operas that we USED to do! We'd rather act like the red-headed stepchild of Entertainment Weekly! Hell, it's not like we expect to keep publishing past the end of the year anyway! But, that's okay-there'll just be more rack space for Star! (People often confuse our mags-we're both printed on such worthless paper.)
"Anyway, if you buy this week's issue, you'll get our new game show section! Will Bill from Davenport become a five-timer on Jeopardy!? Which celebrities will be the secret square this week? Will anybody get the million dollars? This week, SOW fearlessly becomes the only soap mag to cover this long overlooked sub-genre of continuing drama!
"Oh, and this week only, we're lowering our price in order to entice you into becoming a regular reader. This week's issue is just fifty cents! Yes, just fifty cents! Or, if that's too high, we'll take you're best offer! All bids will be considered! We're even willing to barter!
"So, buy Soap Opera Weekly, the magazine that shamelessly chases after prime-time like an old whore chases after a potential john or like Angela Shapiro chases after the demo! (Wait. That was redundant, wasn't it?)
"Soap Opera Weekly-get it before it's gone. For good."
Golly! That was over-the-top, wasn't it? I say, that was just so mean...so harsh...
(Credit: SON poster Kenny)
...so prescient.
Note the borderline apologetic tag on the cover: "It's like a soap!" Gee, don't be mad guys--yeah, we could have given the cover to ATWT's 50'th anniversary, or Guiding Light, or One Life to Live, or any, you know, ACTUAL SOAP OPERAS! But, AI is like a soap! Don't hit us, please, we're wearing glasses!
This has to make you wonder where cover-deprived shows like Guiding Light stand on the totem pole, doesn't it? I think the hierarchy at this point is GH, DAYS, Y&R, AMC, American Idol, 24, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Top Model, Survivor, Amazing Race, Jeopardy!, Millionaire, White House Daily Press Briefing, Bewitched reruns, publication hiatus, and Guiding Light.
Is there anybody on God's green earth that watches American Idol that isn't getting enough coverage from FOX, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, The Insider, E!, the cable news networks, People, Us, Star, the National Enquirer, and every freakin newspaper on the globe? Is there an angle on this show that can only be covered by the unique musical stylings of Carolyn Hinsey and her zoo crew? Are there really a group of AI zombies that must buy all things-Idol?
Obviously, I have questions.
Here's another one: Is the name of the magazine Soap Opera Weekly? Or is it Pseudo-Soap Opera Weekly, or Almost-Soap Opera Weekly, or Close-but no-Soap Opera Weekly?
It's stuff like this that makes me so glad I read Soap Opera Weekly in the checkout line, or at Books-a-Million, or through internet message boards. What? You say I should pay for it? Geez, gang! I've touched it, I've read it, I've seen all the pictures--it's like I paid for it!
From now on, whenever I post a quote from or talk about an item in Soap Opera Weekly, I think I'll attribute it to Soaps In Depth. Hey, it's like saying Soap Opera Weekly--they both have the word Soap in them.
In all seriousness, the sound you hear flapping in the breeze is SOW waving the white flag. When a publication whose raison d'etre is daytime soaps kicks them to the curb in favor of a prime-time karaoke show, it makes the statement that daytime soaps really aren't worth reading about...which should make subscription renewal decisions easier for a lot of people.
The National Enquirer of the soap rags. And there are only three left for
American soaps right? Weekly, Digest, and Soaps In Depth(ABC&CBS). Of
course I see Telenovela magazines at Wal-Mart these days.
So sad, so true. It seems like the magazine industry is playing such a
role in the demise of this genre. And, no magazine could give ATWT a cover
for it's 50th? No AMC's 45th person to return from the dead is more
important. Sad.
Great column though !!